just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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