Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
