I think my fart just growled at me.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
