yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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