So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
