my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
