i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
