Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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