i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
