the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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