Banned from zoo.
Again?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
