So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
