I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
