Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
