I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
