it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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