Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
