My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Randomize
