I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
