Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
