I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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