I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
