Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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