My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
