Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
