remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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