can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize
