my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
