Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
