I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
