i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
