Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
