It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
