i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Be still, my beating vagina.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
