It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
