U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
