You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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