the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
