She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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