Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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