see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
