Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
