News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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