you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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