Have you finally orgasmed yet?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
