ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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