Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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