yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
