Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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