Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
