I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
